The moment I knew teaching wasn’t for me - and the years it took me to listen.
I can tell you the exact moment I knew teaching wasn’t my long-term career.
It was the summer before my senior year of college. I vividly remember sitting in the lifeguard chair overlooking the quiet and serene lake I worked at in the littlest CT town. As I sat there making sure the two kids in the water didn’t drown, I thought, “I really don’t want to be a teacher.” This thought took me by surprise because I thought teaching fit me up until that point. I love working with kids. I have a lot of interests and I thought a teacher schedule would allow me to keep doing things I loved. But something about it just didn’t feel right and even thinking about being a teacher filled me with a feeling of hopelessness about my future.
I had already put 3 years of work into my elementary education degree and I was preparing to start my practicum and then student teaching during my senior year of college. I could have made a change right then. Gone back to college and told my advisor that I wanted to switch majors to something else. But I had no idea what else I would even do! I was so close to graduating and I felt like then I would have wasted money spent by me and my parents on the first three years of college. So I went back to school that fall and finished out my degree.
Upon graduation, I thought, “maybe if I taught music I would like teaching better.” Music has always been a part of my life and I like to say that I learned how to read music at the same time that I learned how to read. I went back to school full time for 2 more years to get this certification. I worked several part-time jobs to get through it but it felt like the right thing for me to do.
Once I finished that certification, it was time to find a teaching position. I put this off for as long as I could that summer. I finally got some job interviews in August right before the school year started. Through a connection with my best friend, I was hired to teach 4th grade in a suburban school. They hired me on a Friday and told me to show up to work the next Wednesday. School started the following Monday.
I learned A LOT that year! I learned that it’s ok if I don’t get to all the science lessons in the 4th grade unit. I learned that sometimes a student is “difficult” because really the parent is difficult even if the student themselves is a gem. I learned that movement breaks make a world of a difference in focus. I learned that telling 4th grade boys you’re disappointed in their behavior choices will make them cry. I learned that a glass of wine at 3pm is not too early. And I learned that your administrator can make or break your year, especially if they have favorites (I wasn’t one of hers). Which is why in May of that year when I found out I was being let go, I wasn’t too upset about it.
I started that summer the same way I had started the last one - looking for a teaching job. At that point, I was also looking for other types of jobs and various graduate school programs. It’s pretty much a requirement to have a master’s degree as a teacher and the thought of having “curriculum development” on my diploma made me throw up a little bit. So I looked for programs in music education and creative writing.
None of those worked out but I did find a teaching position in an elementary school closer to my Chicago apartment as a music teacher, hired to build the music program. I was young and it felt exciting to be able to build a program the way I wanted it. Plus, it wasn’t classroom teaching so I thought this would be it! The time when it would finally feel like it came together.
Honestly, I loved my school, my colleagues, my students, and the fact that I was teaching music. But even with those things feeling more secure, something still didn’t feel right. I thought maybe it was just because it was the first year in a new position. So I stayed for another year. And then another. I grew the music program, I gained respect from the students and staff, I ran an after-school running & self-esteem program with my co-worker, I learned a lot of basic classroom Spanish (sientese and todos canten were common ones), and I made connections with parents and the community. So much was going right. And I still felt off.
In the fall of that third year, a friend recommended I see a therapist for some emotional things going on in my life. I took her up on it and made an appointment. This therapist’s office was in a Catholic School where she also worked with kids. When I walked into her office, I almost immediately felt a click that she did what I wanted to do. Her office was decked out with toys and books and art supplies. As a teacher, I was always good at connecting with kids, noticing them, finding behavioral interventions that worked, and helping them to feel safe. I made a connection that this part of me that happens naturally as a teacher could go so much further as a therapist.
From that first moment of knowing on the lifeguard chair to the moment in my therapist’s office, it was 7 years. There was a lot of other soul searching I did in that time as well - that I hope to share with you in the future. I don’t regret the path I took. But it’s likely that if I had guidance to help me name the parts of teaching that felt fulfilling to me and separate out what was draining me, I might have been able to find my career fit earlier.
And that’s why I’m here and why I’m sharing my story with you. I want you to know that it’s ok if you ignored that small voice that kept saying it wasn’t a fit. I want you to know that you can start over at any time to create your dream life and find a better career fit for you. And I want you to know that you’re not alone.
Thank you for being here. Let me know if this resonated. 🩵
